I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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