you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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