My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
