I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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