Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize