I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
