then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
