I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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