if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
