Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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