There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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