I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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