Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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