tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
