he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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