a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
