I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We got so high we made milksteak
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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