You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
