the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
