So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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