Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
