So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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