I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
