I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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