I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
