you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
