This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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