good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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