they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
