is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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