Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
