well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
