The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
