rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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