I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
