someone owes me an orgasm
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize