He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
