you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
