By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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