Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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