I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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