Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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