My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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