People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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