dude i'm inner monologue high
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize