you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize