I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
