I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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