I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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