And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
