Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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