Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
