Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
