he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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